I have been asked by other moms how I believe a mother (or both parents, ideally) should instruct her daughter on the issue of modesty from a Biblical perspective. I will share some of my response just in case anyone else is interested or wants to add valuable input in the comments.
Modesty is a delicate topic as everyone has a different standard, and no one wants to be "judged" by someone else's standard. Rarely, however, do I hear pastors and other Christian teachers speaking to the implications of modesty decisions on hearts and souls or what they may reveal about the longings of the heart. Many highly esteemed mothers and daughters will argue that it's not a woman's responsibility to consider how her dress or behavior could influence what a guy thinks, and if he is prone to stumble in his heart when looking at her, he should simply look away. That perspective, however, fails to consider how clothing, gestures, and postures affect oneself, much less what they communicate to others. So instead of focusing on the impact on the guys, I first ask girls how they can best respect themselves and draw other's attention to God, whose light is often reflected in their words, eyes, smiles, or caring actions. School-aged girls tend to be more inclined to want to draw attention to themselves than to the Lord. So if that's where they are spiritually, then I ask them if they feel respected more when others are most interested in their heart, mind, soul, or body. There aren't many girls out there who do not want to be perceived as beautiful, but beauty is never only skin deep. Rarely do girls honestly want to be noticed only as an objectified body.
I haven't met a girl yet who doesn't want to be respected. Yet, churches usually only speak about girls wanting to be loved, and then girls confuse being loved with being lusted after by a hormonal boy who only wants to gratify his own carnal desires. The good guys will try their best to look away, but they can't avoid that first glance. The creepy guys will not. They will misuse the girls repeatedly (abusing them in their minds only would be the best case scenario). I ask young girls if they really want to use their bodies to give jerks cheap thrills, even if only in their minds? Do they want to leave a lasting immodest image of themselves in the minds of their teachers, administrators, pastors, friends' fathers, etc.? I try to help them understand how immodest images linger and are imprinted in the human mind whether we want them to or not. It was God's design that these images have a lasting, powerful effect to strengthen marriage faithfulness and intimacy. If the young lady's focus is attracting guys she likes for the purpose of being loved and cherished, I ask her what type of man she would want to attract and then ask her to consider what qualities would attract such a godly gentleman. How would he want her to dress?
I may tell them real life stories of girls (no personal identifying information) I knew who dressed immodestly not out of impure motives, but simply because no one counseled them on this issue and how that led them down the road of being used and abused repeatedly instead of being loved and honored as a man should love and honor his wife. All those girls ever longed for was to be loved and cherished for who they are inside, not outside. I avoid telling them what their own personal standard for modesty should be (although we do set standards together as a family), but I will point out areas that tend to be stumbling blocks when exposed, if they ask.
Others view the human body as God's masterpiece to be put on display like the Mona Lisa and assume that those who cover up are ashamed of their bodies. I have tried to counter this argument with my own story. Before I knew any better, I dressed like everyone else without considering any of these modesty issues, even though I was ashamed of my body at the time. Now I do regular weight training to rehabilitate my damaged back and spine from decades of competitive running. The result of that rehab training is a physique other women might show off with pride at my age and after difficult pregnancies/deliveries. I asked my daughter if she ever wants me flaunting my body via less modest outfits in front her friends. Of course she doesn't, not because my body is shameful but rather because that would be prideful, attention seeking, and embarrassing for her. So I keep encouraging her to always ask herself, particularly when making modesty decisions, what her motives are and what consequences those choices could have on others. If a girl shows off her body by wearing immodest clothing, it could make others feel envious, it may cause others to stumble in their thoughts (such thoughts can drive men to look at porn and it's been estimated that over 80% of men are regularly looking at porn which leads to all sorts of disastrous societal problems), it would probably draw judgment (or maybe even ridicule) from others, it may embarrass family members, and if the motive is to draw attention to oneself instead of to God, then it is prideful, a form of idolatry. A woman may show more of her body in a private setting to inspire other women to follow a similar healthy eating/exercise regimen (a physical trainer, for example) or to show God's answer to prayers for physical healing, but when is there ever a purely beneficial reason to flaunt one's body immodestly in public?
The Bible is very clear that we are indeed God's masterpiece (Psalm 139:14), but our bodies are too sacred and valuable to be cheapened by free public exhibition. A woman's body is so precious that God's intent was that only the one man who has pledged his life and agape love through a marriage covenant would be worthy of the privilege of viewing and enjoying it. So guard and protect this sacred treasure, which is wonderfully and marvelously crafted by God Himself.
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